msjump

This is just a letter to tell you about who I am and how my life is.

I wanna start with explaining why I write in English and not Norwegian. For some reason I have always found it easier to express myself in English than in Norwegian. It is somehow easier to find the right words and make the text float. (even though my english is not perfect :) )

I am 36 years old. I am married and have three wonderful kids. At this stage of life and with my family, my life is supposed to be perfect?but it isn?t.

My illness makes it so far from perfect as I feel it can be. I am not able to work, it stops me from being the mum I wanna be, the wife my husband deserves. I?m a disappointment and a failure.

I have mental problems: anxiety and periods with panic attacks, I am afraid of many things: from just to walk out my front door to dying. And it controls my life so bad that it has made me anti social and alone. I also have a light version something they call Borderline personality disorder (this is maybe the part that is a little difficult to explain in English, but I have symptoms of that diagnose and slightly PTSD symptoms) With few words said: I am emotional unstable, have relation issues with people and disturbance in the individual's sense of self.

I can make appointments with people, stuff I really wanna do the moment I say yes to it or comes up with the idea, but when the time comes my anxiety ruins it all, and I end up with let down the people I have agreed to do stuff with. And I feel bad, sad and angry at myself when it happens.

In periods when this is really bad I am very tired and exhausted. My self confidence is very low and I don?t feel worthy. And it does not make it any better with my physical condition, with a lot of pain in my body every single day. I have calcification in one of my shoulder, probably both shoulders, and they are pretty painful most days. I have Fibromyalgia, a muscular disease with a lot of pain in the  body, and it drains me from a lot of energy.

Those days when I feel life turns all the bad stuff against me, I just wanna give up. I could just as well be dead. I have no life quality. I am NOTHING! An overwhelming feeling to just give up, wraps it?s darkness around me. It is not like I am planning to take my life, I just feel like?as I said?to give up.

But then again?.I don?t wanna die, I don?t have time to die, I have too much to live for, more to experience in life?and if I am dead, then I would miss it all.

I just want a break, wanna go to bed, sleep and wake up well, no anxiety, no pain, no fear?because I have faith that one day it will happen.

So I WON?T give up!!! I am gonna fight and take my life back. At least to the point where I can enjoy life, relax and feel happy. To participate in my kids life as I wish I could and have energy to it. To be the wife to my husband like I wanna be. And a friend that never let her friends down.

And most of all, I just wanna be me.

Two days a week, I go in group therapy and have individual therapy when needed. It is tough days and on those days I mostly just wanna be with my family, or even just by myself. I haven?t been so long in that kind of therapy and it is a long road to go before I can consider myself as well, but at least I am on that road.

I am not writing this so people shall feel sorry for me.

Or if you think I am whining or stupid to write this, I don?t care. I just write this to tell you about how my life is, with my disease.

I hope you can understand why I am like I am and behave like I do these days. And I hope you respect it and even support me, but if you don?t, I actually don?t care. Because it is my life and I am taking control over it again!! ;)

And just a reminder?.you never know if it will happen to you or not, but if it does, don?t deny it and think it will just pass like the flu.

I did?.and I lost to much of my life?